I am going to relocate this blog to my facebook. Somehow. Sorry.

"Well, I would absolutely not pee on you in the shower. Maybe." -Andrea from Wallabash, New Hamptonmcshireland

"I would write a poem and dedicate it to my beloved!" - Someone who watches too many movies

"I would throw it over my shoulder like a contin...er, how do you spell that? C-o-n-t-i-n....? Anyway. I forgot what I was talking about. What did you say? LOOK A BEAR!!!!" - Your friendly neighborhood gal trying to convince people she has ADD but does not actually have it

"I wouldn't do anything. I am lactose intolerant." -Some lactarded jackass

"I would buy it in the grocery store." -Humorless blob

So, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

A Love Poem

by Francis AKA "Emo Kid"

Blackness! Dark envoloping enclosure of mystery and despair!

You swallow me whole in your sexy black hair!

You are so deep and your eyes are so green

at least I think they are green

Your pants are perfect, I wonder if they are my size,

I say, as I look into your eyes

Yes, they are green

Green like the deep blue green sea or a sick spleen

If only you weren't so beautiful

I might be able to ask you to hold my heart for me a while

But wait!

You've already ripped it from my chest

and told me to hide in my room

My dark, dark room as dark as my soul

 

 

Once upon a Halloween there was a beautiful little girl whose name I don't remember so it must not be too important. Anyway she went trick-or-treating and made out like a bandit. She stuffed her face with marshmallows and chocolate and jolly ranchers and whatchamacallits and so on. It was all and all a really good time. But her mom didn't check her candy for tricks! So little Whatsherface turned into a bullfrog.

Legend has it she's still waiting for someone to kiss her and turn her back. But everyone time her mom sets her up on a date, the young man runs away screaming.

Too bad.

Warning : The following recipe story is true and should not be repeated. Ever.

~ Shimp, Pasta, and Baked Potato - dinner for one ~

1: Boil water for pasta, add pasta, you know the drill

2: place shrimp on toaster oven tray, place in toaster oeven heated at 425

3: set timer for ten minutes

4: Prepare potato and put in oven for an hour at 375

5: wait

6: remove tray from toaster oven after five minutes, flip shrimp over

7: GET DISTRACTED

8: Burn your all the fingers on your left hand by touching the tray directly because YOU WERE NOT PAYING ATTENTION

9: whimper

10: put hand under running water

11: hope that it isn't too bad

12: move hand out of water

13: whimper

14: put hand back in water

15: make calls with free hand to people who know about burns

16: manage to eat your shrimp with your hand under water & holding ice

17: say hello to boyfriend when he shows up

18: assert your independence by not asking for help!

19: keep hand in bowl of water becaus eit's too painful when you take it out

20: Grab bag of shredded cheese from the refridgerator, note that the table is across the room, and decide managing to carry cheese and boil of water is too difficult

21: toss the cheese at the table

22: watch it bust the screen out of the window half way, and hear the cheese land on the downstairs neighbor's backyard patio

23: laugh at self

24: confess to boyfriend

25: assert independence and go downstairs with hand in water and spill everywhere

26: confess to neighbor. collect cheese.

27: continue to laugh at self

 

fini 

 

ME, THE ONE WITH LARYNGITIS:  Hello? [voice cracks] Hi, sorry. My name's Karen, [voice is still cracking] I'm with  _____[cracking]______.

SOMEONE ELSE: Hi. How are you? You sound sick.

ME, THE ONE TRYING TO SOUND NORMAL:  Yeah I am losing [clears throat] my voice. How are you?

SOMEONE ELSE: Better than you! HAHAHAHA.

ME, THE ONE TRYING TO TALK AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE AND STILL BE CONVERSATIONAL: Uh, yeah. Heh. So I'm looking for this part. . . uh. . .

SOMEONE ELSE: Sure, what can I help you find? Besides some throat medicine HAHAHHAAHHA.

ME [trying to figure out how to convey a glare over the phone]:  . . .

Dear Sir/Madam,

You are parked in a way that makes it very difficult for me to park my car. Which is to say your GIANT ASS SUV IS TAKING UP TWO SPACES IN A CROWDED PARKING LOT BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PARK, YOU SELF-IMPORTANT ASSHOLE.

Please take that into consideration the next time you park and no, I am not the one who keyed your car. But I may have spit gum where you are standing right now.

Have a nice day!  

Bachelor Party

reviewed by: The Hyper Teenage Girl Who Reviewed The Fog 's boyfriend, Todd    

So this is when Tom Hanks was like funny and shit. It was totally awesome to see him like act stupid and weird and cool. It is the best 80s movie! Except for Die Hard. Die Hard was fucking sick. But that may have come out in the 90s. I don't know. His wife totally had 80s hair. I love it when he walks on the glass barefoot. That was so fucking sick!

Anyway like Kevin Smith gave mad props to Bachelor Party in his movie, Clerks 2. I was like, whoa! Paying homage! Right on, right on. But back to the movie.

The premise is that tom Hanks is going to marry Tawny Kitaen (the chick from the Whitesnake video) so he's gotta have a bachelor party with his friends. She tells him, 'Hey, don't have sex with anyone OK!?!' And he's like, "yeah, sure, whatever, ok, stop nagging me bitch we're not even married yet."

So like all his friends try to get him to do drugs and have sex, and even though this is FUNNY TOM HANKS, he just says no. Despite the fucking awesome boobs this one girl has when we see her naked. That part was totally gay. I wasl ike Tawny Kitaen is totally marrying a fag and shit! 

So, dudes, ok, at some point there's supposed to be a donkey & hot girl sex scene but there actually isn't. It's totally cool anyway. Then the donkey dies from an overdose and uh. . . yeah.

Happily ever after the end. I'm going to watch it again for the tits on that one chick. Of course by saying 'watch' I actually mean 'fast forward to that part.'

 

We have all done the following at least once, despite common sense telling us "NO! BAD! DO NOT DO THAT!!!"   

-Sometimes you really have to poop but you don't because you're in the middle of something you find really interesting. Other times, you're just too lazy to get up and wait until your body is ready to force the issue.

-Telling the phone you'll be right there, don't hang up as you search for it when it can't hear you, and the person calling you probably doesn't want to let it ring more than a few times.

-Buying three cartons of milk* because it's buy two get one free, when you only drink one glass a week.    * this applies to any dated product you rarely consume

 

The list goes on but I can't. Gotta work. Please add your own silly actions in the comment section  :D